This is LITERALLY how the last past year and a month of my life have felt. Like I was literally only living to be preyed upon and eaten alive. But at some point, you have to rise above what was sent to destroy you mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I’m so thankful to God that I was able to survive the loss of a baby at 10.5 weeks as I was walking through the unexpected death of my last marriage, all while scuffling to find a place for my children and myself to live...because my then-husband of only two and a half months decided he didn’t want us anymore. From July 23, 2019, up until 3 months ago, I walked through the darkest depression I’ve EVER experienced. Trauma on top of trauma and in many ways I was expected to be “normal” again when I had no clue what normal looked like.
The pain was numbing and I was dying to feel anything…even if it was death. You see, the genuine smile you now see on my face has come with a price. I didn’t think I would EVER smile again after having my heart broken AGAIN and walking through a third divorce. How embarrassingly shameful was all I could think to myself. I was annoyed, disgusted with myself, devastated, lost, and pissed to the highest level of pisstivity. I wanted to buss a couple of heads to the skull but I had two amazingly strong little boys who needed their mommy. I begged God to show me what was wrong with me and why couldn’t I have a successful marriage. All I wanted was to be loved as I loved so deeply in return...but for some reason, this dream of mine seemed impossible. So I decided to sit still and allow God to heal the broken parts of me I tucked away as a little girl. I stopped suppressing emotions and past traumas and begged God to heal me of everything I knew and asked Him to reveal what I didn’t know I was holding on to.
So fast forward almost a year later, I can stand tall with supernatural strength and resilience given by God to tell the next woman who’s going through or have gone through what I’ve survived. I can tell her about a lively hope that turned my life around when I didn’t want to exist anymore. I can tell her how worthless and thrown away I felt as I walked through multiple broken relationships and God showed AND proved my worthiness through His word! This hope I speak of is Jesus, my savior, my redeemer, my rock, and my loving Father. My life is a testimony that God won’t take you through what He’s not able to deliver you from! He uses it ALL for His glory!
I blamed myself for so long and thought I was being punished until I recognized what I’ve encountered is to help the next woman along the way. One of my favorite scriptures is Psalm 119:71 “It was good for me to be afflicted, that I might learn Your statutes!” We all want to be like Christ until being like Him requires us to drink from His cup of suffering. This walk is not a bed of roses…there are many thorns along the way but the thorns don’t take away from the beauty of the rose! This is why I can’t keep quiet, this is why I’m so transparent because I want you to understand when you see me smile or hear me laugh it’s NOT that I haven’t suffered because I have! AND I MADE IT!🙌🏾😩😭
I may not have all of the answers, but I do know for a fact beyond a shadow of a doubt that the hands of God rest upon my life and I ALWAYS come out on top in HIM! For this reason, I’ll NEVER keep quiet about the faithfulness of God and His power to make something beautiful out of a marred vessel! So for those who thought I would roll over, die, and keep quiet, I’ve come to officially serve you notice that I’m here to stay!
Oh and P.S. My YouTube and Podcast is about to be LITTY!🙏🏾🙌🏾✝️🔥
“So I went down to the potter's house, and I saw him working at the wheel. But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him. Then the word of the LORD came to me. He said, "Can I not do with you, Israel, as this potter does?" declares the LORD. "Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand, Israel.”